My Only One
I feel as if my inner emotions may counteract with my actions… wearing black as the color that draped my mind 3 days ago when my beautiful… loving soon-to-be fiancé’ died so carelessly. As I look down at her beautiful, yet cold, motionless face… I can’t help but wonder if I’m to blame. For my very car I waited so long to check was the cause for her departure from this world.
A tear falls from my eye onto her favorite dress. I can’t take my eyes off of her… so peaceful… so beautiful… everything I had left, but everything I ever wanted was now inside of a platinum box, sleeping for all eternity.
I brush the back of my hand across her pale, cold cheek… as I have so many times before, but the warmth from her body has left… just a stiff depiction of a once living woman remains… and here I am, so very, very alone… there is no feeling that could compare to the pain I am feeling now.
To hold her once more… to kiss those full lips… to stroke her lively hair.
I put my fingers in her soft hair and twirl my fingers like I have so many occasions.
To make love… to touch, to feel the love she gave me… to hear that voice… to smell her body…
What I would give…
I put my hand over my forehead in frustration… I can feel my stomach beginning to ache again. The tears fall from my eyes heavily upon the platinum coffin she lay… I reach down and touch her hand gently… pulling up her ring finger… and sliding the engagement ring I had bought for her on it. I bend down and kiss her hand… and placing it back down over her chest.
Danny Starr: WHY!?
I slam my fist on the panel in a fury of rage before falling to my knees in a dismantlement of self-control. Now speaking out-loud under the hysterical sounds of anguish.
Danny Starr: Not like this… Jesus, Not like this… you are my everything…
I gather enough strength to lean further in on top of Jenn’s still body… gripping my tense fingers into the back of her head… bringing myself closer to her to occupy any comfort she can now offer my broken heart… but her silent, motionless presence reminds me that she is gone…. And here I am, so very, very alone.
I kiss her fore-head, her cheek, her lips and fall to the floor before her casket. Continuing to cry into my open palms. I spend the rest of the time I have with her weeping in my own company.
Goodbye Jenn Copelin. The love of my life…
I rode with Michael in a black limousine to the cemetery where she would be buried … followed by hundreds of vehicles through the fog and rain on this cloudy March morning. How appropriate… the rain like tears falling from the sky above… but none could add to the sum of what will fall from my heart for years to come.
The ride was solemn…there would be no smiles today… as days would pass, smiles would be vacant from my face for a while.
When I stepped out of the limousine, the rain hit my face like a slap from God; taunting me… I turned around to see Michael extending an extra umbrella to use against the rain… but I declined it. Rain was the least of my troubles at this point. Before I could step any further, one of my closest friends was there… paying his respects.
Danny Starr: Hello, Mark…
Mark Crow: Danny! Man, I'm sorry about your loss.. I can't even find the words to relax your soul right now..
Danny Starr: Just showing up a day after you JUST went to New York is enough to relax my soul, Mark... you truly are a true friend.
Mark Crow: It's the least I could do. I know you'd do the same for me. You're soaking wet, fam. Here, take my umbrella. You don't need to catch a cold.. I know you're already sick enough emotionally. How have you been holding up?
Danny Starr: I'm fine... Thank you... It's hard, Mark... I loved her, you know that...
Mark Crow: Absolutely.. But what happened is out of our hands. She’s resting peacefully. She'll always be with you in spirit. You just need a little time to meditate and truly consider what she would want you to do right now. Be strong for her, and for yourself, bro..
Danny Starr: Thank you, Mark... It means a lot.
I look down trying to keep composure...
Danny Starr: Will you be staying in Hartford or...
Mark Crow: I wanted to talk to you about that.. I've been thinking about that none stop since I heard the bad news. I've considered how much independence means to me right now and how big this step is in my life.. And I realized on the way here that our friendship means more to me than my life, period.. So, I'm willing to move back if you'd like.
Danny Starr: You're more than welcome to stay Mark, I just don't want you doing it out of obligation because of this... you have a career now... a life of your own. I don't want to hold you back anymore.
Mark Crow: There is no obligation, man…
Danny Starr: I’ll tell you what… we can talk about this later. This isn’t the time…
Mark Crow: You’re right…
I walked past Mark towards the grounds at which she would descend… seeing an entire area behind a podium.
Danny Starr: So this is God’s plan…
Michael Diamond: Not here, Danny…
I didn’t feel like talking, but I knew I would have to… family of Jenn would be here… who knows who else… As if on cue, a hand touches my shoulder gently attempting to get my attention. Before I turn, I can hear a voice talking to me…
Voice: I am so sorry Danny, I knew how you two were. This must be hard for you man.
To my surprise, the voice sounds familiar. Not an everyday voice, but a voice I have heard on many occasions long ago… I turned, and like an epiphany to my self-being… there stood a person I never thought I would see… especially not here.
Danny Starr: Sawyer??... I... I don't understand...
Dan Sawyer: I know how hard it is to lose people. I know we haven't spoken in years man, but when I heard the love of your life died I had to find you man. We have had our hard times but beyond wrestling, I'm here for you man.
Danny Starr: Thank you for that, Dan... and, I’m sorry... I neglected to even give you a chance... I...
Dan Sawyer: What is it? I have been neglected before. I can't believe she’s gone though. How did she die? If you don't want to explain I’ll understand.
Michael Diamond interrupted into the conversation before I had a chance to respond.
Michael Diamond: I don’t think right now’s a good time to discuss this, Dan…
Dan Sawyer: Sorry, I just didn't know. Michael… could me and Dan have some privacy please? It's been a while..
Michael looks at me and I give him a nod of approval as if accepting Dan’s request. Michael nods and backs away keeping a close eye on the situation… I could see it in his eyes, he is trying his best to stand by my side in this dark hour. I look at Dan, a person who used to look up to me as an idol… now standing before me with no hostility in his blood, only respect and care. I am such a terrible person…
Danny Starr: It was just out of the blue… I don’t know what to make of it.
Dan Sawyer: I’m sorry to hear about it man. Hey, we have had some bad blood in the past I mean we had that street fight way back then, then "The Phantom" kidnapped you once, but hey all the past behind us...
Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Sawyer extending his right hand for an apparent hand-shake. In his other hand held the umbrella he propped over his head. I look down and then look back into his eyes and no longer see the annoying, rookie superstar who once followed me like a single girl in the mall... instead I saw an honorable man... respectful enough to find me in this time of need. I couldn't imagine declining his peace-offering.. I grabbed his hand firmly and tightened my grip enough to shake it.
Danny Starr: Thank you for your condolences, Dan... It means a lot. No hard feelings...
Dan Sawyer: Good seeing you, Danny... Just wish it was under different circumstances.
Danny Starr: Same here…
As Dan and I released our grip from each other’s hands… I watched him walk away. Michael re-approached me after Dan had politely nodded to him.
Michael Diamond: It seems your changes have caught the eye of some.
I reached my finger in-between the sunglasses I wore to wipe a tear developing on my eyelid. I could tell it was a tear and not rain… tears were the only warm thing left inside me… the rain poured like ice.
Such a tragic day… I look around at other gravestones… seeing the burials of others decades before now knowing what it feels like to lose something that I truly love. I never experienced this kind of loss with my Mother or Father… yet, their deaths were in vein… as was Jenn’s.
Deep in thought, I barely realized I was still standing there letting the rain pour upon me… I felt Michael’s hand touch my shoulder for support and comfort… I looked at him and moved closer.
Danny Starr: I’m not ready for this…
I lost control… and began crying immensely onto the shoulder of Michael. He hugged me like any best friend would and patted my back to calm me down.
"I'm sorry for your loss. I know it doesn't mean alot coming from me because I didn't know her, but I know what you're going through. I lost my parents in a car crash a few months ago."
I am startled by Kevin Hurt's voice... a voice I didn't expect to hear. I turn around slowly... not ashamed of the tears still on my face. I sniff up the mucus in my nose so I can talk.
Danny Starr: Thank you...
Kevin Hurts: "No problem. I understand it's a time of grief so I harbor nothing against you during this sad occasion."
Danny Starr: That's very respectful of you, Kevin... You're most likely the only one with class out of the NGW...
Kevin Hurts: "I may be part of the NGW, but that doesn't mean I’m not human. I have a heart and I know that this is a very hard time for you so the last thing you need is someone talking trash."
I nod my head to Kevin... looking back at Michael who is also nodding in a respectful manner, and offer my hand out in front of Kevin Hurts...
Danny Starr: Thank you for paying respect, Kevin...
Kevin Hurts: "Not a problem."
We shook hands and he did the same with Michael out of respect for this… tragedy. The priest stepped behind the podium, also with nothing protecting him from the cold March rain… it was a depressing mood, as it should be. The people in attendance stood before the podium as the Priest prepared his reading. The cemetery went silent except the sounds of rain clicking off of the coffin.
Priest: Just as the mist it rises
Then vanishes way down the stream
Jenn too has come and then left us
Today it seems like a dream
That she was so much part of our lives
That she lived and loved as we do
Now she has left our hearts and his home
Like the fish that a fisherman threw
Back in the stream to go on its way
And that is what Jenn is doing today
To a bright new world, see the sun glitter
As she drifts from sight, though our tears are bitter
We know that she, like the salmon’s leap
Will always be there in our memories deep.
I was surprisingly strong during the service… as hard as it was hearing the poetic metaphors to compare Jenn’s death to things of nature…
Priest: And now… those who wish to pay their final respects to the late Jenn Marie Copelin… please do so now.
One by one… everyone lined up with rose in hand… an array of black colored clothing draped over everyone who stood… just a glimpse of red from the roses kept the world from losing all contrast.
So much sadness… for what? What had Jenn ever done to hurt anyone? She didn’t deserve to die in such a tragedy… she deserved a great life… a long life… but now her fate is in a platinum box under the roses thrown by those who loved her… and those she loved.
It wasn’t long before it was my turn to approach her casket… I slowly approached, taking my sun-glasses off as I stared down. My eyes were swollen… and my knees were shaking out of weakness. I looked down at her casket colored in the red compilation of roses… feeling the rain dripping off of my eye-lashes… it was hard to tell which were tears… both cold as ice.
I placed my hand on top of her casket and closed my eyes… thinking of who she was to me. Now I can’t even touch her… we’re forever separated by the cold, hard metal coffin she’s laying in.
In the midst of my anguish, I felt my upper lip begin to tremble… not because of the cold… but the anger that was building up as I held her casket in my numb hands… my eyes still closed as I silently pray to wake up from a bad nightmare… but the rain continues to fall… and when I open my eyes, the image of Jenn’s casket is still tattooed in my mind.
I lifted the rose that was in my other hand and kissed it… and place it with the others on her casket’s lid. Now making a fist of my hand that was holding the casket… a rage took over me as Michael approached and touched my shoulder…
Michael Diamond: Come on, Danny…
I turn away from the casket to see everyone staring at me… were they stares of remorse? Who knows… Who cares… I placed my sunglasses over my eyes again… as Michael dropped his rose on her casket, and we made our way to the back of the crowd… Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a man approach me…
Voice: Hey Danny, I’m so sorry man. Seriously tragic - I don't know what to say.
As the rain pours upon my head, I lift my hand to peel off the sunglasses I was using to hide my swollen eyes. Only to see Ron Royalty standing before me...
Danny Starr: I don't expect you to say anything, Ron... I am thankful that you came, period.
Ron Royalty: I know how much she meant to you man, even if that much wasn't public. Listen, it's not my call any more, but if you want I could have a word with Sett - see if he can't arrange a couple of weeks off or something?
Danny Starr: Thank you for your concern... but I don't think that will be necessary. I couldn't do that to the HWA again: Leave no one to defend the title... Look, I need something to keep my mind busy or I will think too much about this... unfortunate event. Survival is 4 hours out of the week... I have the rest of the time to mourn...
Ron Royalty: That’s true, but just make sure you do ok? I've seen that sort of a load do crazy things to people. Make sure you get a release.
Ron takes a crumpled packet of cigarettes out of his jacket pocket. He takes one out, and offers the packet to Danny, lighting his own at the same time
Danny Starr: No, thank you... Jenn hated it when I smoked cigars, let alone cigarettes.
I looked down, then looked back up to Ron who was blowing smoke out in front of him.
Danny Starr: I'll be fine... I just need time to get everything together.
Ron Royalty: Well look, you know my number, give me a call ANY time, and I mean it - ANY time. You got it?
Danny Starr: Thank you... I might just hold you up to that... and Ron...
Ron Royalty: Yeah?
Danny Starr: Jenn would've been very grateful to know that you showed up for her today; As I am.
Ron Royalty: I wouldn't have missed it....
Ron continued to walk away as the rest of Jenn’s loved ones finished paying their last respects. The priest announced her burial would take place now, but I don’t think I’ll be able to watch it… it’s too hard.
Amazing Grace started to be sung as I saw the casket lowered slowly into the ground… escaping me. I heard the cries of her family members… Jenn’s mother and father, cousin and uncle… So tragic…. Her uncle’s Daughter and Wife died in a car accident as well… I excused myself from Michael’s side to stand by Bob and Estella… hugging them both trying to comfort them in this darkest hour. I may have appeared strong… but inside I was dying; and I knew when I would leave… I would fall apart.
Her casket fell under the ground’s level and I lost sight of it… Jenn was gone forever… but in my heart she will live on until the day I die. Estella began crying profuse tears under her umbrella as I pulled her closer to my chest so she could hear my heart beat. I once read that hearing another’s heart beat can psychologically calm a person down… I could only hope so in this case.
The rain never stopped… not once. It was about 12:15 PM when the service ended… and everyone starting leaving, including myself. Michael had climbed into the limousine, and I followed shortly behind when I was interrupted by a voice I hadn’t expected to hear… period. Kevin Conner’s.
Kevin Conner: Hey man.... we may have never seen eye to eye, but I know what its like to lose someone you care about so much....
I stop in my tracks... only hearing the voice of my newest enemy... a cocky, arrogant, egotistical man I watched grow... watched become so out of his own frame, he truly believed he was larger than life... I turned slowly to stare Kevin in the eyes... searching for any sign of sarcasm and finding none.
Danny Starr: Why are you here, Conner...
Kevin Conner: I heard what happened man. I mean who didn't? The least I could do is come, after all you got my started in the HWA where I became what I am today. I'm just being a man and seeing how you're doing.
Danny Starr: Yeah, Thanks a lot Conner.
I go to climb into the car, but Conner’s reply stops me…
Kevin Conner: "I'm "The Celtic Warrior" Kevin Conner, Danny, you know that! It was a beautiful funeral, I think Jenn would of liked it. Erin would be here but she couldn't make it. I don't know what I would do if she would of died. I mean I don't even think I would want to live life..."
Danny Starr: There is nothing ‘beautiful’ about this day. Thank you for coming… good day, Kevin…
I climbed into the limousine, and shut the door right in front of Kevin Conner’s face.
Beautiful funeral… what nerve he must have… ignorant to humanity. Does he know how he comes off? Or is he that thick-headed and arrogant?
Jenn is buried… but it was so quick. Just Monday she was killed in my car, and such a brief mourning period… she is buried 2 days later? I’ve barely even accepted the fact the love of my life is dead… and no longer will I search for another.. She was the only one. She was MY Only one…
